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* This is "Hannibal".
He and I have been together for the past 38 years!  His name used to be Hannibal the Cannibal, but after years of work, he's now just Hannibal. He's more of the silent type.

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* Meet "GAVIN"
Oh, he can so be a pain in the #$%^&.
He does like Cela though. Insists on having her come say hello each Friday night!

 

This is my ever-growing list of services that I've been paid to perform over the past many years. Now granted, not all of these tasks have I been paid for with cash, but know that I was paid in one-way-or-another. 

This list is added to each and every quarter as I am hired to provide unique (and sometimes not so unique) tasks that my clients request of me!

  • walk your dog

  • pick up dog poop from your backyard

  • remove the old window tint from your 1979 Ford Ranchero

  • rotate your car's tires

  • find the tire with the "blem" in it

  • take down the Christmas lights from your house

  • install that new toilet

  • be your "Human Potential Specialist"

  • conduct light surgery on your dog

  • do the voice-over for your next production or reading

  • visit & converse with your elderly parent at the nursing home where they are now living

  • bring you 5 gallons of fuel now that you've run out and are stuck on the side of Central Expressway

  • wash and wax your automobile or motorcycle

  • replace the propeller on your Chris Craft

  • take your car to have its'  Texas State inspection done

  • fix the emission on your car so that it DOES pass inspection

  • teach your child Portuguese

  • break the "BAD NEWS" to him, .... or her

  • teach your child "English", rather than "American"

  • teach your child to play the piano, flute, trumpet, or the ukulele

  • teach you to surf the gnarly curls at Boicucanga, S.A.

  • teach you to actually read music, not just play an instrument

  • put together those "some assembly required" gifts or items you just bought or received for Christmas

  • assemble your new elliptical glider

  • remove the old carpeting from throughout your home

  • provide courier service for just about anything you've got within the contiguous United States

  • grocery shop for you

  • change out the fuel pump on your 2000 Olds Bravada

  • post your bills for you because no one has ever taught you how to do it

  • teach you to successfully operate an EBAY business

  • be the "official photographer" at your next function

  • replace the underwater light bulb in your pool or Hot Tub

  • pick up your medication for you at CVS

  • do your laundry and put it up

  • clip your dog's toenails

  • clip your bird's toenails

  • assemble an "entourage" for you during your next outing

  • determine if your home is safe enough by Dallas County standards as set forth by our police department

  • provide all the transportation needed to accommodate all of the 87 guests at your Wedding out there in Terrell, Tx.

  • wash your dog. (... sorry, but NO MORE CATS! I am no longer covered for that)

  • drive you to your Doctor's appointment(s)

  • BE YOUR "DATE" for that upcoming office party or special function. (ladies are charged $35.00 per hour and men are charged $135.00 per hour)

  • pick up your child at her school when you can't

  • teach you to pass your "road test", ... THE FIRST TIME

  • teach you to properly operate a motorcycle & then accompany you to your road test

  • catch that opossum that's been getting into your trash can

  • flat'n his (or her ) tires for you. Legally, of course!

  • attach a new Crimson Trace Laser onto your .45 ACP

  • teach you about which wine pairs well with which meal & most importantly, why

  • drive you to that new Jazzercise class you know want to join

  • install an electric "Dog Fence" so Fido can no longer leave

  • sit on the sidelines at your Jazzercise class & shout out encouraging words to you

  • apply new Petex to your down-hill skis

  • teach you to ski (down-hill or cross-country, your choice. I'm a past certified instructor )

  • pack your luggage so that is will pass TSA requirements

  • draw up your itinerary & book your hotel for you

  • be your designated driver to AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys

  • find you the best price on a flight to Caraguatatuba, Brasil, S.A.

  • install a new spark plug, oil, air filter & Blade onto your old lawn mower

  • fix & clean out your vacuum cleaner

  • teach you how to buy stock in Tech companies

  • give you a 25% discount on a room in a fantastic hotel on the island of Ihlabella, off the coast of Sao Sebastiao, Brasil

  • move you from one apartment to another

  • teach & convince you as to why you should feed your "Congo" pellets verses strickly seeds

  • tend bar at your next party

  • TEACH ENGLISH TO YOUR MOTHER

  • teach your dog basic good behavior around your home. (sorry, no more Chihuahua. Worthless little things)

  • replace the burnt out fuse in your microwave oven

  • pick up your new lawn mower at The Home Depot

  • introduce you to the hiring manager at PetroBras Oil in South America

  • repo YOUR vehicle back from her

  • advise you on what sex to choose now that you've decided that you need a "change". .... the times have changed, haven't they?

  • be your mystery shopper

  • teach you what it took me to become the Dallas Sidekick's Official Mascot (one of my best jobs ever. *sponsored by Coca Cola)

  • clip your Amazon's wings & nails

  • pose nude for you at your next Art Class. (some classes require that you bring your own model with you to class)

  • sell you my award winning Chili Recipe, (as per Tolbert national requirements)

  • change the oil & filter on your vehicle while you're at work

  • be a judge at your next Chili Cook-Off. (39 years of experience)

  • teach you to whistle. (trust me, a girl has paid me for this)

  • remove the rear wheel from your motorcycle so that the flat could be fixed

  • sell you my world renowned recipe entitled "Butch René's Infamous Cajun Popcorn" ...... it's a family secret

  • teach you to juggle tennis balls

  • teach you to juggle your BILLS

  • help you get onto "Survivor"

  • teach you to say "NO" to your child, only to have them come back to you years later and THANK YOU FOR IT

  • show you which intersections in Dallas County are the best AND SAFEST for standing at while begging for money or a job

  • repair your bicycle, regardless of it's value

  • pop out that large dent on the side of your Lexus

  • provide that name & number of a private Music Teacher out of Garland, Texas with 37 years of teaching experience

  • determine which kind of K-9 is best for you and your family. (psycological testing will be administered )

  • hem your pants

  • convert your long pants to shorts

  • replace the battery in your watch

  • replace the battery in your vehicle

  • replace the battery on your motorized wheel chair

  • program your VCR, .... YES, I am that old

  • balance your check-book

  • provide you a secret number to a great "Bookie"

  • teach you why you shouldn't "Hot Tub" if you're trying to get her pregnant

  • mow your lawn

  • skim your pool

  • teach you proper etiquette while visiting a Nudist Camp. (personally, I failed miserably my first time )

  • teach you how NOT to get her pregnant by HOT TUBBING

  • trim your bangs

  • de-grease your Hot Tub AFTER that special party you just had out back

  • sell you my Killer recipe for "Brasilian Red Beans & Rice"

  • Shave your head in the comfort of your own home, or any "other" body parts for that matter. (Hey! The money was good, alright! )

  • explain to you why you should purchase the Smith & Wesson over the Glock

  • set-up and conduct your next garage sale

  • help you determine whether you're a revolver person or an ACP person

  • give you a Military hair cut that even your Gunny will adore

  • deliver your vehicle to it's new owner after you've sold it

  • sell your special, no longer needed items on EBay at a 50% commision to me

  • broker the sale of your car and legally finalize the deal per Texas law

  • determine why your vehicle is not running properly

  • determine what your vehicle is TRULY worth

  • collect any monies or debts that you insist you are owed

  • drive your car or motorcycle to that new home you bought up there in Michigan

  • shave your dog and then bathe him

  • do your "exercise" for you. (don't ask )

  • build you a new Dog House

  • remove that old Ceiling Fan that is wobbling all over and install a new one

  • strip your old house of all the things you don't want the Bank to have.

  • repair that water leak in your bath tub

  • replace your electric Hot Water Heater

  • wash your second floor windows (July, September, & August only)(there is an extra charge if you need me to wear my Speedos)

  • fix the water leak in your outside faucet

  • install a new A/C window unit

  • install a new Storm Door at the front of your home

  • install a replacement CookTop in your kitchen

  • install ANY & ALL artwork/paintings/photographs throughout your home

  • re-screen your old screen door

  • install a motion detecting light over your garage

  • thoroughly clean your swimming pool's filter system

  • install a new gas water heater

  • install a new coil spring onto you garage door openner

  • diagnose your car's ECM and find out why your "check engine" light is on

  • clean and properly detail your BMW Motorcycle

  • repair the Gate and Fence out back

  • clean-out and re-organize your garage. (perfect idea now that you've bought that new Mercedes and want to park indoors )

  • take all your unwanted items from your garage clean-out over to the Women's Shelter in Dallas. (trailer is provided by me )

  • house-sit for you while you and family are vacationing in Key West, Fl.

  • cover for you so that your wife doesn't find out where you truly were

  • clean-out your Rental House and ready it for your next renter

  • I will "step in" and be your "DADDY" if you are in need of one. (*Please think about this one, America )

  • pick up your vehicle at the mechanic's shop and verify that the work was actually done correctly

  • "give you away" at your up-coming wedding since your own father now refuses to OR you just can't bring yourself to tell your Fiancé that your "real" father can't make it because he's doing a 38 year stint for murder in Up-State New York. (you don't believe I've actually been hired to provide BOTH these services? Contact me and I'll prove it )

  • teach you to diaper your newborn

  • be the one at the gate to receive you when you are released from one of the local prisons

  • take your old, no longer wanted dog to the City Pound for you because you "just don't have the heart"? (please note that I do cats for FREE ). (no more dogs for YOU, Ms. Tammie McDonald, 75214 )

  • take your dog to the White Rock Dog Park with me and my dog while I network with other dog lovers

  • show the house you are trying to sell, but can't because you are already up there in Michigan

  • sell your house

  • sell/rent your kids

  • iron your laundry

  • be your courier for that special document that has to be there by court time

  • be your "Transporter"

  • cater food and drinks at your next party

  • tell you what type of tree(s) you should plant in your backyard

  • chauffeur you to & from DFW Airport or Love Field Airport. (I provide extras that Uber or Lift just aren't allowed to )

  • provide valet service at your next function

  • chauffeur you around whenever & where ever you want, either in your vehicle or mine. (thank you: Nancy F, James W, Mrs. Rodriquez, and of course, Ann Searcy [97 airport runs and counting) (special thanks to Lisbeth Sauer who I've been driving around now for the past 11 years )

  • shop for that special gift for her (or him )

  • tune-up your bicycle for Summer riding OR your next Triathlon

  • install linoleum in your kitchen

  • pilot the "Cycle Chauffeur" Company van & Trailer from one side of the Country to the other, supplying race bikes to Tri-Athletes

  • plant new flowers at your home

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  • provide a new "Forever Home" for your parrot that you can no longer provide a good life to. He will now be able to live out the remainder of his life here at the RaG Aviary surrounded by numerous other exotic birds that we've help save over the past 33 years

  • drive you to Lowe's or The Home Depot to assist you in picking out materials for that new project

  • install a new mail box for you

  • provide a monthly visit to your Company so that I can replace all the burned out light bulbs

  • caulk your bath tub

  • clean out your gutters so that they actually WORK

  • paint the new baby's bedroom

  • teach your Cockatoo not to bite (this I charge $500.00 per hour )

  • provide bird cage washing and disinfecting

  • operate the cameras for you and your Husband should the BOTH of you ever decide you need intimate photos of you for the purpose of placing them on the Web. ( Sorry Mrs. Sagon, but I still need to know that your Husband is in agreement with this )

  • pick up that huge, new grill you just bought at lowe's

  • install your new Television Monitor onto your wall

  • assist your with re-arranging your bedroom or office

  • replace/install all new smoke detectors in your home

  • replace (yearly) the batteries in your smoke detectors

  • make repairs to your electric Bidet

  • empty out and wash your Cat's litter box (hard to believe, I know )

  • change your flat tire

  • render assistance with that pesky neighbor (wink, wink )

  • drive out to get you when you're too drunk to drive home safely and LEGALLY. Then, after I've tucked you in, I go retrieve your vehicle and place it back onto your driveway

  • provide permanent assistance with your neighbor's constantly barking dog

  • patch the hole just behind that door

  • install that new "Doggie Door"

  • install that new toilet

  • install that new faucet

  • put up those new Venetian blinds

  • put up those new rods and curtains

  • assemble your daughter's new rocking horse

  • hang the new "OPEN" sign at your new business

  • accompany you and your significant other to Europe for two weeks as an all-expense-paid personal Valet & Driver. (thank you SO MUCH Wanjira & Marcelo. I would have done it for free )

  • swap out that old dead bolt for a new, safer one

  • install a new "Ring" door bell

  • take your dog for his daily walk

  • transport your new mattress to your house

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  • help re-arranging the furniture in your house

  • replace all the old door knobs throughout your house

  • install all new cabinet/drawer pulls onto your new kitchen cabinets

  • drive the chase vehicle at your next marathon

  • install new blades onto your riding mower

  • assemble and hang your new porch swing

  • assemble your new outdoor furniture

  • re-hang the towel wall rack in the Kid's bathroom because they have no regard for heavy, wet towels

  • install art throughout your home, utilizing my very keen eye for that sort of thing

  • install new mini-blinds

  • hang shelving over the washer & dryer

  • make ANY repair to your toilet. (you know! The one that does that hissing noise all night long )

  • install a new flag pole out in front of your home

  • install your new dishwasher

  • replace the old, non-working light bulbs outside

  • replace the ceiling light bulbs on your TWELVE FOOT CEILINGS

  • clean-out your dryer's vents

  • assemble your new bicycle that you ordered on-line

  • move some of your belongings to your storage facility 

  • and FINALLY, the one task that I'm asked to do more than any other, .... ASSEMBLE  YOUR  IKEA  FURNITURE

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* This "Rio Rio"
She likes everyone and adores the color red.
Thinks that Gavin is full of himself.

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* and then there's BARTHOLOMEW
or as he likes to refer to himself as "Bartie-Bart".
Basically knows that he rules the roost here in the aviary. Likes to show off his extensive vocabulary, but only when no one's looking.

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